quite a while.

I have a million things that require my attention more than typing my feelings into prose, but i just can't seem to take the first step to get started. Thinking about the neglect I've placed on the things I love doing, the people I care for, the God I depend on; I've let all these things I'm supposed to, and want to, treasure fade away into the dimness of my circumstances, and it really saddens my heart to realise that the things I fight hard for, the things I put effort and time into, are actually for the wrong reasons.

On my way home today, I stumbled across an autistic teen with his mother, and I can't help but keep my gaze on him for a while to observe his behaviour and actions. And then I realised that everyone on the bus was doing the same. There was an evident sadness that overwhelmed me as it hit me - that my very actions reflect something much much deeper than just surface judgements. It's probably something trivial to most, observing a handicap child, but as my thoughts shifted from surprise to pity, apologetic even, the very evil within me was so clear that I was disgusted, disgusted not only at myself, but at the very nature of human sin.

Why did feelings of pity come? Why did I secretly give my condolences to the parent? Am I that proud to put myself above him and think that I'm greater than him in any way? Why can't I treat it like a normal bus ride, instead of glancing over everytime he makes a sound? These unanswerable questions that flooded my mind were just mere substantiations of my shattered foundations. Pity shouldn't have come, love should.

Why am I so upset?
I don't have that passion and love for the broken.
Surely this isn't how it should be.

I've never been deep in thought for a while.
quite a while.